I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Randomize
