from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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