just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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