i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
