The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I wish they made helmets for livers.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
