So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Pants are for mortals
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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