Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Randomize
