My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
