I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
