But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
