i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I am naked and annoyed.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
