I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
