Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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