Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
