there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
