it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
We are all done wearing pants today
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
