Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
