They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
