Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
The Olympian is in my bed
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
