Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
we should paint friendship bongs
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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