bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
