I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
