I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
