She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
