I can't breathe out the right side of my face
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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