Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
