Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
