No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
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