Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
