Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
