I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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