I didn't shave. On purpose
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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