I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
