I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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