I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
