Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
