Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
