WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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