The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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