I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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