i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
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