is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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