Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I could make wine with my vomit
ugly people sure do ruin things
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
