Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
