yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
