3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
