if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
