i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
