Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
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