Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I would fuck him just for his dog
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